“Desperate measures are needed to increase the county’s income from tourists.” Thus spake a man with a clipboard who was counting tourists as they crossed over the county boundary.
He was commenting on Wiltshire councillors’ decision to halve the cut to Visit Wiltshire’s budget for 2017-2018 – a mere £50,000 to find from somewhere else. The man grinned as he explained this change was a ploy to cover-up (“These councillors are jolly good at cover-ups”) their real plan to boost tourism.
Potholes, he assured Marlborough.News, in the county’s roads are being left unfilled so a ground-breaking – or suspension-breaking – international motor rally can be held on Wiltshire’s roads. It will be called the Pothole Rally.
Competitors from outside Pothole Wiltshire will get specially reduced entry fees – but they must not come from too far outside the county: “We can’t have any of those other people who drive on the wrong side of the road.” Competitors will have to drive into as many potholes as they can over a set course. The rally – with the George Lane Trophy up for grabs – will have strict rules about special tyres and compensation claim forms for pothole damage will be handed out at the start.
The organisers cannot decide whether to allow 4×4’s to enter: “They do tend to drive in the middle of the road – and that might not be fair.”
A well-known French car manufacturer with interests in the UK has been selected as sponsor for the event. The firm’s boss – le top chat – was ecstatic about the rally: “This is so much better than une scrappage scheme – think of those new French cars we will sell – before those post-Brexit tariffs come in.”
Marlborough.News ventured onto the roads during a practice session and found one competitor in the depths of despair – otherwise known as a very deep puddle: “I simply don’t understand the rules. Never mind driving into potholes, I can’t keep out of the potholes – especially on the A345 and George Lane.”
Town councillors are delighted with the Pothole Rally as there won’t have to be any road closures: “It’ll be traffic as usual…with lots of hold-ups.”
LATE NEWS: It has come to our attention that this rally may have to be postponed. Ninety-five per cent of the specially trained stewards and mechanics who will help make the rally safe, came from other EU countries and seem to have vanished.
It is also unclear what impact the move to turn the A4 into a tourist attraction under the Great West Way scheme will have on plans for the rally. Will this become a new route for the Pothole Rally?
A conference was held in Chippenham this week to promote the scheme with a speech from the government minister responsible for Sport, Tourism and Heritage. marlborough.news could not afford the £15 + VAT entry fee, so we are not sure whether the minister was speaking on behalf of sport (i.e. the Pothole Rally), or Tourism (i.e. the Great West Way), or Heritage (i.e. preserving those potholes for future generations.)
There was also a speech from the first British woman to climb Everest. One of the attending tourist gurus told Marlborough.News as they climbed into their Livery Edition Mini-Moke: “I thought she was going to tell us how to climb out of potholes. With my size of wheels it’s sometimes a matter of life or death.”
A346 through Savernake Forest to be closed to traffic for five nights
